High Vibes for 2019

High Vibes for 2019

You guys, I’m one of those romantics with high hopes and low expectations. This sounds like a bad thing, but truly there were many times in my life it has saved me in many ways.

I’m a girl that believes that you get what you put out. I believe you can manifest shit and I sure as hell believe in karma. So, let me tell you that 2018 has been a dud for me, and it is all my fault.

Remember how yesterday I told you that I’m starting to take responsibility for my actions? Well, I take responsibility for my dud year. I specifically remember telling myself AND the Universe that I wanted a boring 2018. I wanted it to be calm and devoid of drama. YOU GUYS, the universe listened, indeed. My 2018 was bo-RING! I mean, nothing much exciting has happened. Period. But I did I ask for boring and boring is what I got. What did I expect?

I had days where I started feeling sorry for myself. I’m not sure what I was waiting for, cause I sure as Hell wasn’t working towards some big goal or anything. Yet, I felt like the Universe owed me some sort of something even though I didn’t know what that sort of something was. Regardless, I still felt disappointed by it. Shame on me!

What in the Holy Hell on roller blades?!

Pray lord, tell me- What in the Hell was I sitting around waiting for? Why did I deserve something amazing when I wasn’t trying for it? Why did I believe the Universe owed me ANYTHING? Why?

Yet, today on December 3, 2018, something very amazing did happen to me. I’m not sure why it happened- I just confessed I’ve been in a stagnant rut for all of 2018. I probably don’t deserve it. Yet, at the very bit at the end of the year, that sort of something I’ve been waiting for happened and I’m delirious.

2019, I promise to put out more into the universe. I’m going to set my intentions and work towards them. I’m not going to wait around anymore waiting for something amazing- that’s just wasted time. I’ve only got today to be the best version of myself. I will no longer remain stagnant.

(Ok, but I’m still not going to move that dang elf around anymore than I absolutely have to. No one’s perfect.)

I can see Clearly Now

I can see Clearly Now

I have been in a contemplative observation period of my life. There are so many things swirling throughout my head. Nothing bad, just the realities of life. I feel like I have spent many years of my life with my head in the sand. There are so many things I would like to write about, but some of those things are just not funny or whimsical, and thus it makes me quite vulnerable. Although I love to write, I understand how cruel the innerwebs can be and so I struggle to protect myself and my children when it comes to the topics of my writing.

I’m going to go ahead and be vulnerable today in this post and let you know that I have suffered loss in the last few months to a year. Anytime that happens I go through a whirlwind of fear. A state of anxiety. And because I am a combination of superstitious and anxious by nature, once one domino falls, I feel like the rest are waiting to happen at any moment. I live on egg shells while I wait for the rest of the dominoes to fall in suit. This typically happens in 3’s. I think I have now made it past the three’s and so I’m ready to move on and can finally breathe again to write. I am no longer on hold.

It’s interesting how clearly you start to see things as you get older. No, I do not believe that my milestone 40th birthday has led me to overnight adulthood and experience. No, I’m not having a mid-life crisis (yet). I do, however, believe the last 5 years of my life have been significant enough that I am able to take a look back and see exactly why some things happened in my life the way they did and take responsibility for them. I have been under taking a lot of responsibility for myself these last months hibernating. I understand that there have been a series of events in my life that happened because of my insecurities.

I want to preface by saying that insecurity and confidence are not always one in the same. You can be confident that you have certain strengths and still be insecure when it comes to putting yourself out there. That fear isn’t always necessarily because you aren’t confident, but moreso because of societies lack of empathy and kindness to others. Outside forces can make it so you are insecure. However, I am also well aware that confidence and insecurities can hold hands. It has been my fears in life that have held me back in so many different aspects of my life. I no longer feel willing to be held back by fear. You guys, it is a scary thing to hold hands with your frightened self and tell it that it is time for it to come out of its shell and see the light of the world. Yet, it is freeing and it feels like true strength. I’m taking baby steps towards that – I’m not officially there, yet.

The toughest part about adulting – besides sitting with your fears and taking responsibility for your actions – is watching the people around you who still make horrible decisions based off of their fears. I’m surrounded by people who jump into relationships, choose jobs, quit jobs, have children/don’t have children, divorce, quit school, etc., all because of their fears. Most of these decisions stem from fears of being alone or fear of lack of worthiness. It makes me sad and it is difficult to watch people self-destruct.

I can finally say that I am not afraid to be alone. I know this to be true, because regardless of whether I am in a relationship, I will never be alone. I have family and friends and children that love me unconditionally. This is a gift I hold onto very tightly. I can’t 100% attest to my worthiness, but I am putting myself out there now – regardless of whether I believe I am worthy. Sometimes, the greatest gift you can receive from others is the gift of them giving you worth, even when you are unsure of it yourself. This has happened to me often in the last year. I am always shocked by the level of worthiness people attribute to myself sometimes, but I understand now that they see me in a different lens than I see myself.

Recently, I had a conversation with a co-worker who was feeling really down on herself. For whatever reason, she had held me onto this pedestal and kept referencing my strengths, etc. I was very authentic with her and let her know that my greatest regret to myself is the way I often speak to myself when no one is looking. That I have often said things to myself that I would never say to my friends or to my children. She was surprised by this and she reminded me that the reason she felt so highly of me was because I was easy to talk to, that I held an enormous amount of empathy towards others, and that I was always empowering to her.

What I have learned these past months in my hibernation period is this:

  1. The lens you see yourself in isn’t always what the rest of the world sees.
  2. You should always speak to yourself the way you would any other friend or family member.
  3. Be authentic with yourself and others. Stop trying to keep up with the Kardashians, or Pinterest moms, or whoever it is you have on a pedestal.
  4. Hold the hand of your frightened self and walk forward, for you are the only person holding yourself back.
  5. Take responsibility for the things and experiences that have happened in your life. You have a role in all of your decisions.

Finally, since we are on the topic of responsibility, I’m gonna go ahead and say that the only person to blame for bringing that freaking elf into my house is ME. I mean, if I wasn’t trying to keep up with all those Pinterest moms, I wouldn’t be setting an alarm at 1 am to hide a freaking elf and create fake scenarios of it doing silly things. There, I admitted it……

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(This is not my picture. Or my elf. I found this here, while trying to find ideas for the stupid elf in my house that I highly regret ever starting. Ok, I’m not bitter. Nope.)

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Oh! Hey, guys!!

Oh! Hey, guys!!

The old me would totally apologize for not blogging for this extended period of time, but the new Suzie doesn’t give two F’s. Haha, ok I feel a little guilty (because Catholic guilt never leaves you), but honestly I’m learning my limitations and I’m mostly fine with them at this point in time. I’ve learned that I’m not good at “recreational writing” when I’m doing “academic writing,” which is where I’ve been these days. I’m like a tunnel mind when it comes to creativity. It ebbs and flows.

This last month, I turned 40. Yay, me! Actually, pats on the back of my parents for keeping me alive this long!

I celebrated hard this month, so August will be a detox month, me thinks.

Right now, I’m currently in DC for business. I should be excited because this is the first time I’ve left the state in a year, but I’m homesick and I want real food, my bed, etc. I’m like a big middle-aged mom baby, right now.

I’m actually in a Pho restaurant in Chinatown at the moment. You did just see on my birthday pic that Pho is my favorite, right?? Pay attention.

Here’s the thing, this restaurant is dead silent. I mean, there are people with headphones on and the staff didn’t even speak when I walked in. They put up the number 1, as in “one in my party” and then waved me over. Then I whispered my order. For real. Kids have walked in and they are barely talking. I have no idea what I just walked into, but the reviews were good. Anyway, I’m forced to blog because I honestly feel uncomfortable! Hahahaha (silent laugh because it’s silent in here, remember)! This better be the best Pho I’ve ever had in my life! This is a real test in patience, even alone.

Also, in Chinatown there are $5 sangrias on happy hour. I’ve had a few, and those, my friends, were WELL worth it. You can’t even get a $5 Sangria where I live! Insanity. You have to go to Chinatown for delicious cheap Sangria. I’m shook.

I have come to the realization on this trip that I am officially a cat lady. One of the reasons I’m homesick is because I miss my kitten. Did I tell you, I got a kitten in June? She’s so loving and I miss her snuggles and kisses.

Oh, and I miss my kids, too! WHAT? I do!

ISO Time Machine

ISO Time Machine

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Meme found here

YOU GUYS, why is April/May such a shit show? I mean, seriously, I haven’t been able to think let alone try to blog. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from life, right now.

Just the other day at work, my Director came up to me to ask me how things were going:

Me: “Honestly, I would like to go to sleep tonight and wake up on May 25th.”

FOR REALS!!! I need a time machine to get me to summer.

BUT, it hasn’t all been bad. So, in honor of trying to always see the silver lining, I will say that we did have a nice family weekend in Legoland for the April birthdays. Apparently, half the family has a birthday in April. FYI – I could really benefit from a loan that month. All the presents! It’s like Christmas in April here in the burbs, people.

Back to Legoland….fun was had by all, despite all the small children and theme park stuff and all that. However, the best part was later in the evening in the Legoland Hotel. They have kid activities, which meant momma got to sit and have a beer while kids played with Legoland staff. Thankyouverymuch, Legoland people.

That night they were having a Lego Builder contest with a Dinosaur theme. Meaning, build the best looking dinosaur with Lego’s – unless, you are my daughter. If you’re my daughter you build this:

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“Jamie, what kind of Dinosaur is that?”
“It’s not a Dinosaur. It’s a time machine. That’s me in the time machine. I’m going to back into time so I can see Dinosaurs!”
“What kind of Dinosaur are you going to go see?”
“A Velociraptor!”

YOU GUYS! First, I thought my child was a genius. I couldn’t believe how smart she is.

But then, THEN, I started to get nervous. You see, she was VERY excited to be in the contest. I had concerns that the Legoland staff may not be as enamored of Jamie’s ability to see out of the box, as much as I was. So, we went to dinner on-site and waited for the announcements of the winners at 7:30 pm, holding our breaths that she wouldn’t be disappointed if she didn’t win.

Boy, were we all surprised when they called her name as the Lego Master Builder for the night!

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This is one of those parenting moments, that you don’t forget. She was so so happy. I’m so very grateful that the Legoland staff appreciated her creativity that night. So, THANK YOU, LEGOLAND!

She got a handmade card, a pin, and to keep her Lego creation. However, given the level of excitement you would have thought she won $1 million dollars!

BEST.NIGHT.EVER!

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Magic does exist!

Magic does exist!

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Image retrieved here

YOU GUYS! Today, on my way to work, I remembered back to my honeymoon/birthday when I went to see David Copperfield and I was chosen to be on stage. Most people would brag about this, but that day was the day I stopped believing in magic.

*This is the point where I start laughing hysterically in my car. Alone.

But, seriously, people. On my 29th birthday, I was on my honeymoon and my new husband takes me to see one of the most famous magicians. I actually get chosen to be on stage and receive an autographed picture. This is supposed to be a good memory, no?

Well, I was heart-broken. Because, believe it or not, I sat on stage with my eyes closed believing I was going to disappear into thin air. You know, MAGIC! Instead, I do a shit ton of work, including running in high heels, because I am a girl, on my birthday, during my honeymoon, in Vegas, at a show.

I’ll never forget the look on my husband’s face….

He was waiting for me after the show, along with other people. They all wanted to know,

“How did he do it?” 

There I was all pouty face, like

WTF. That wasn’t magic!” <insert crying emoji>

Now, the face he’s making is the one where he realizes he just married 3 days prior the most naive 29-year-old girl in the world. It was a mixture of incredulous and concern and hysterics all wrapped into one. He calmly says,

“Well, he’s an illusionist.”

The reason I’m bringing this is up, is because I realized today in morning traffic, that I was wrong: There is such a thing as magic. And, yes. Magic does take work.

You know how I know this now?

Because, I’M A MOM.

I’m freaking making magic every damn day.

I’m sending emails to Santa, receiving notes from tooth fairies, magically making elves move about the house and cause disaster. I’m luring kids out of bed with Pokemon Go, curing ailments with magic sprays, getting kids to eat veggies without them realizing it. I’m catching leprechaun’s, making medicine taste like chocolate, surprising kids at school at lunchtime.

I didn’t realize it then because I was in my 20’s and I had no life experiences. But, I realize it now.

Magic happens every day, if you make it happen! Most of life is an illusion. You can either enjoy it for what it is, or make a pouty face and complain about your experience not being the way you imagined it.

This time around I’m enjoying the show!

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Free Beer for the Win?

Free Beer for the Win?

This post is dedicated to my dear friend, Wendy. Not only is she tons of fun, but she is super supportive of me and my endeavors. Also, she said to me, “YOU HAVE BETTER BLOG ABOUT THIS!”

Yesterday, my friend Wendy and I planned a quiet night to catch up. We were going to take a walk on the beach and then head down to a popular beach restaurant for some wine and dinner. EXCEPT, the beach was packed, the restaurant was packed….let’s just say we weren’t the only ones to have this awesome idea to enjoy the weather and its amenities.

When we got to the restaurant, there was a one hour wait. ONE HOUR. Ok, for some of you bigger city folks, that my be acceptable. But, for us small beach suburb folks, that is as ridiculous as it gets. So, we opted to check the bar for seats and found one lonesome bar stool amongst a crowd of beer drinkers. Dang it!

After walking around and stalking the bar like a couple of vultures, one nice guy stood up (the one sitting next to the lonesome stool) and said, “Here, you two can have this seat.”

Seems like the nice gentlemanly thing to do, except that this was the moment we sealed our fates and walked into the Lion’s Den.

Now, it didn’t happen at first. Like a lion stalking his prey, it started out quite innocently. I mean, at first all seemed pretty normal. We thanked the man for his chivalrous gesture and then went on to order wine…..nah, guys we ordered beer. I mean, it was hot outside and sometimes beer is just better, you know?

We ordered beer and we ordered food and then we chatted and then we needed more beer. <This is where Martin, our chivalrous gentleman caller, strikes.>

Now, Wendy and I have quite a few things in life in common, but currently we are two single moms, not dating/not trying to date/not caring about dating. Martin, a retired NYPD, quickly picked up with his stealth moves that we were single.

You guys – behold my first drink bought by man in a LOOOONNNGG TIME!

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I know. It’s a Mich Ultra. Not fancy. But, I’m pretty sure I told you yesterday that I’m a Basic Bitch, and so I’m counting carbs just like the others. #notsorry

Ok, so Martin bought me a $3 beer. He actually bought me two $3 beers, and $6 of free beer is better than no free beer, no? If it makes you feel any better, Wendy was much fancier and drinking beer from a bottle at $3.50 a pop. Soooo, Martin did pull out the big bucks, and by big bucks I mean about $15.

Anydoodles, Martin, the retired NYPD, was sliding his way in with beer. AND, it was working in that we felt inclined to have conversation with him, however it was not working in that he had a snowball’s chance in Hell of dating either one of us. I’m not a mean girl so I won’t go into the physical description of Martin, but I’ll say we were out of his league – and age range.

One thing I will say about Martin, is that those Capt. Morgan and Gingerale’s he was drinking did nothing to improve his breath. Now, fortunately for me I was on the far end, so I was safe. Wendy, not so much.

Another thing I will say about Martin, is that he was obviously a regular at the bar. He also apparently brings his own gingerale for the bartender to mix his drinks. I mean, can’t have a drink with bad gingerale….*is there such thing as premium gingerale? Just checkin…

Also, Martin loves his hot tub. He really loves it. Do you want to know what Wendy and I don’t love?

Imagining Martin in the hot tub….

And his bad breath…

Needless to say, there got a point when things got uncomfortable. Like when his buddy stared at Wendy and I like a creeper. He stared straight at us for very long periods of time without averting his gaze or saying a word. That was awkward. Equally, I’m impressed with his abilities to creepy stare at women for so long without blinking. That’s talent!

At one point, Martin let us know he “wasn’t looking for anything serious, you know?”

Ha! Don’t worry Martin! You are safe with us!!! (But were Wendy and I safe?? Questionable…).

Eventually, Wendy and I were able to slide out and get the Hell out of Dodge!

Martin: “But, wait! Where are you going? I’m going where you’re going!”

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Giphy found here

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Life is Good

Life is Good

You GUYS! OK, I’ve not been blogging as much as I would like, which bums me out. However, I also remember that I put a disclaimer that I would blog when I want, so I guess I shouldn’t feel too guilty about it…..

One thing about me, is that when I am stressed or have things going on, it is difficult to be creative. I put a whole lot of mind into anything I’m doing and that means I become mentally exhausted easily. I really dislike that trait about myself. I wish I wasn’t all or nothing – balance is something I’m always striving for, but aren’t we all? I guess that makes me “normal.” Or at least “normal-ish.”

First, I want to say that my life is great. So, before I go posting about chaos and stress and all of the above, let me just throw it out to the universe that nothing is wrong with me. I’m not depressed, nothing bad is happening to me, I’m not having a mid-life crisis, yet.

Actually, it occurred to me this morning (well, OK at 1 pm – I stayed in bed until noon, today! *gasp*) that I am about as BASIC as a girl can be. I mean, there I was holding this giant cup of coffee, sitting in my neutral palette decorated living room thinking, “I can’t wait to have wine and see my friend tonight!” Also…”I wonder where a girl can find a great pair of magnetic falsies that actually work?”

I am not making that up – I 100% thought those thoughts and then I cracked up laughing (by myself – no kids this weekend) at my outright audacity to be basic and not give two F’s about it.

I is, what I is, PEOPLE!

I maybe even took a pic of said beautiful cup of LOVE JOE, and I maybe even spoke sweet nothings to it…I’m having a love affair with coffee, folks! Call me Basic, call me whatever, I don’t care! This coffee was HOT! *pun intended

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Anydoodles, this month has been exceptionally stressful for me. But, not bad. I am fine. We can blame it on the full moons, solar storms, last quarter of fiscal year, transitioning into a new job the last 6 months, birthday parties galore, or whatever. Whatever it is, it is draining me and I feel exhausted. Again, it is not bad, it is just ALOT.

Last year, I saw Winston Scott at a higher education conference and he blew my mind away. I don’t know why it was so profound for me at the time. Maybe I needed to hear his words, but he said some really important things that have never left my mind. The most important story he told is the one I’m going to write about today. I’ll save the other important phrase for another time…

First of all, if you don’t know who Winston Scott is, he is a former NASA astronaut who took not one, but two missions into space. On his second trip, in 1997, he worked on the space station.

Winston said that while he was working on the space station, he could see the Earth in his peripheral. When he saw it, it caused his brain to get confused, because generally he would be on Earth. So, as this happened he began to get vertigo. Winston explained that they are trained as astronauts on how to overcome vertigo, as this is a natural thing that happens while in space. Part of that training is to focus on something that is stable.

He said, “When things in life seem to be chaotic, or that you are losing control, focus on the one thing that is stable.”

This is such a powerful message to me. Let’s be real – no matter how basic, creative, non-creative, rich, poor, black, white, male, female, married, single, parent, child-less – we’ve all got shit. And we all have a breaking point. We all seek balance. We are all the same in that we yearn for balance, happiness, success –  though we measure it differently.

Yesterday, I was almost the last one out of the office and I was drained. I was driving home and as I got to the last intersection, I had the choice to turn right and go home, or turn left and go to the beach. I am most blessed to live 6 miles from the beach.

I turned left. Instead of going home, I saw the sun and the stars, the moon and the birds, the trees and the sea…I focused on that and thought, “What a magical life I have!”

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I may be one Basic Bitch; I may be a single mom; I might make zero money working education; I don’t live in the biggest house in the nicest neighborhood…..

BUT I HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE!

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