I have been in a contemplative observation period of my life. There are so many things swirling throughout my head. Nothing bad, just the realities of life. I feel like I have spent many years of my life with my head in the sand. There are so many things I would like to write about, but some of those things are just not funny or whimsical, and thus it makes me quite vulnerable. Although I love to write, I understand how cruel the innerwebs can be and so I struggle to protect myself and my children when it comes to the topics of my writing.
I’m going to go ahead and be vulnerable today in this post and let you know that I have suffered loss in the last few months to a year. Anytime that happens I go through a whirlwind of fear. A state of anxiety. And because I am a combination of superstitious and anxious by nature, once one domino falls, I feel like the rest are waiting to happen at any moment. I live on egg shells while I wait for the rest of the dominoes to fall in suit. This typically happens in 3’s. I think I have now made it past the three’s and so I’m ready to move on and can finally breathe again to write. I am no longer on hold.
It’s interesting how clearly you start to see things as you get older. No, I do not believe that my milestone 40th birthday has led me to overnight adulthood and experience. No, I’m not having a mid-life crisis (yet). I do, however, believe the last 5 years of my life have been significant enough that I am able to take a look back and see exactly why some things happened in my life the way they did and take responsibility for them. I have been under taking a lot of responsibility for myself these last months hibernating. I understand that there have been a series of events in my life that happened because of my insecurities.
I want to preface by saying that insecurity and confidence are not always one in the same. You can be confident that you have certain strengths and still be insecure when it comes to putting yourself out there. That fear isn’t always necessarily because you aren’t confident, but moreso because of societies lack of empathy and kindness to others. Outside forces can make it so you are insecure. However, I am also well aware that confidence and insecurities can hold hands. It has been my fears in life that have held me back in so many different aspects of my life. I no longer feel willing to be held back by fear. You guys, it is a scary thing to hold hands with your frightened self and tell it that it is time for it to come out of its shell and see the light of the world. Yet, it is freeing and it feels like true strength. I’m taking baby steps towards that – I’m not officially there, yet.
The toughest part about adulting – besides sitting with your fears and taking responsibility for your actions – is watching the people around you who still make horrible decisions based off of their fears. I’m surrounded by people who jump into relationships, choose jobs, quit jobs, have children/don’t have children, divorce, quit school, etc., all because of their fears. Most of these decisions stem from fears of being alone or fear of lack of worthiness. It makes me sad and it is difficult to watch people self-destruct.
I can finally say that I am not afraid to be alone. I know this to be true, because regardless of whether I am in a relationship, I will never be alone. I have family and friends and children that love me unconditionally. This is a gift I hold onto very tightly. I can’t 100% attest to my worthiness, but I am putting myself out there now – regardless of whether I believe I am worthy. Sometimes, the greatest gift you can receive from others is the gift of them giving you worth, even when you are unsure of it yourself. This has happened to me often in the last year. I am always shocked by the level of worthiness people attribute to myself sometimes, but I understand now that they see me in a different lens than I see myself.
Recently, I had a conversation with a co-worker who was feeling really down on herself. For whatever reason, she had held me onto this pedestal and kept referencing my strengths, etc. I was very authentic with her and let her know that my greatest regret to myself is the way I often speak to myself when no one is looking. That I have often said things to myself that I would never say to my friends or to my children. She was surprised by this and she reminded me that the reason she felt so highly of me was because I was easy to talk to, that I held an enormous amount of empathy towards others, and that I was always empowering to her.
What I have learned these past months in my hibernation period is this:
- The lens you see yourself in isn’t always what the rest of the world sees.
- You should always speak to yourself the way you would any other friend or family member.
- Be authentic with yourself and others. Stop trying to keep up with the Kardashians, or Pinterest moms, or whoever it is you have on a pedestal.
- Hold the hand of your frightened self and walk forward, for you are the only person holding yourself back.
- Take responsibility for the things and experiences that have happened in your life. You have a role in all of your decisions.
Finally, since we are on the topic of responsibility, I’m gonna go ahead and say that the only person to blame for bringing that freaking elf into my house is ME. I mean, if I wasn’t trying to keep up with all those Pinterest moms, I wouldn’t be setting an alarm at 1 am to hide a freaking elf and create fake scenarios of it doing silly things. There, I admitted it……
(This is not my picture. Or my elf. I found this here, while trying to find ideas for the stupid elf in my house that I highly regret ever starting. Ok, I’m not bitter. Nope.)