This post is dedicated to my dear friend, Wendy. Not only is she tons of fun, but she is super supportive of me and my endeavors. Also, she said to me, “YOU HAVE BETTER BLOG ABOUT THIS!”
Yesterday, my friend Wendy and I planned a quiet night to catch up. We were going to take a walk on the beach and then head down to a popular beach restaurant for some wine and dinner. EXCEPT, the beach was packed, the restaurant was packed….let’s just say we weren’t the only ones to have this awesome idea to enjoy the weather and its amenities.
When we got to the restaurant, there was a one hour wait. ONE HOUR. Ok, for some of you bigger city folks, that my be acceptable. But, for us small beach suburb folks, that is as ridiculous as it gets. So, we opted to check the bar for seats and found one lonesome bar stool amongst a crowd of beer drinkers. Dang it!
After walking around and stalking the bar like a couple of vultures, one nice guy stood up (the one sitting next to the lonesome stool) and said, “Here, you two can have this seat.”
Seems like the nice gentlemanly thing to do, except that this was the moment we sealed our fates and walked into the Lion’s Den.
Now, it didn’t happen at first. Like a lion stalking his prey, it started out quite innocently. I mean, at first all seemed pretty normal. We thanked the man for his chivalrous gesture and then went on to order
wine…..nah, guys we ordered beer. I mean, it was hot outside and sometimes beer is just better, you know?
We ordered beer and we ordered food and then we chatted and then we needed more beer. <This is where Martin, our chivalrous gentleman caller, strikes.>
Now, Wendy and I have quite a few things in life in common, but currently we are two single moms, not dating/not trying to date/not caring about dating. Martin, a retired NYPD, quickly picked up with his stealth moves that we were single.
You guys – behold my first drink bought by man in a LOOOONNNGG TIME!
I know. It’s a Mich Ultra. Not fancy. But, I’m pretty sure I told you yesterday that I’m a Basic Bitch, and so I’m counting carbs just like the others. #notsorry
Ok, so Martin bought me a $3 beer. He actually bought me two $3 beers, and $6 of free beer is better than no free beer, no? If it makes you feel any better, Wendy was much fancier and drinking beer from a bottle at $3.50 a pop. Soooo, Martin did pull out the big bucks, and by big bucks I mean about $15.
Anydoodles, Martin, the retired NYPD, was sliding his way in with beer. AND, it was working in that we felt inclined to have conversation with him, however it was not working in that he had a snowball’s chance in Hell of dating either one of us. I’m not a mean girl so I won’t go into the physical description of Martin, but I’ll say we were out of his league – and age range.
One thing I will say about Martin, is that those Capt. Morgan and Gingerale’s he was drinking did nothing to improve his breath. Now, fortunately for me I was on the far end, so I was safe. Wendy, not so much.
Another thing I will say about Martin, is that he was obviously a regular at the bar. He also apparently brings his own gingerale for the bartender to mix his drinks. I mean, can’t have a drink with bad gingerale….*is there such thing as premium gingerale? Just checkin…
Also, Martin loves his hot tub. He really loves it. Do you want to know what Wendy and I don’t love?
Imagining Martin in the hot tub….
And his bad breath…
Needless to say, there got a point when things got uncomfortable. Like when his buddy stared at Wendy and I like a creeper. He stared straight at us for very long periods of time without averting his gaze or saying a word. That was awkward. Equally, I’m impressed with his abilities to creepy stare at women for so long without blinking. That’s talent!
At one point, Martin let us know he “wasn’t looking for anything serious, you know?”
Ha! Don’t worry Martin! You are safe with us!!! (But were Wendy and I safe?? Questionable…).
Eventually, Wendy and I were able to slide out and get the Hell out of Dodge!
Martin: “But, wait! Where are you going? I’m going where you’re going!”
Giphy found here