Sheriff of the Butt Patrol

Sheriff of the Butt Patrol


A friend of mine sent me this meme to me today, so of course I had to share. Also, it is pretty spot on for the type of week I’m having. You know when you’re a kid and your parents say something like, “If you want to complain, I’ll give you something to complain about!”???

Well, I’m pretty sure karma got me good for complaining about having “one of THOSE Mondays” on my last post, cause Tuesday pretty much kicked me in the butt for that choice.

Speaking of butt’s, how long is too long to wipe your child’s butt? (asking for a friend)

I’ll just be frank and tell you that both of my children sing a little ditty whenever they need me to wipe their asses.

“Mommy, I went poop. Can you wipe my butt.” (lyrics).

FYI-They were very creative and made up their own tune. They BOTH sing this song, and if we’re honest, it pretty much drives me to drink. My revenge will be teaching my grandchildren that song in the future…

Most of my bathroom conversations involve me speaking to myself:

“Who does this for you at school?”

“Oh, no one. Ok, so you CAN do it.”

“Why won’t you do it then?”

“Can, you please just try?”

“You’re getting too damn big for Mommy to wipe your bottom.”

“I’m getting serious, it’s time to wipe your own fucking ass little bottom.”

Fast forward to yesterday when an anonymous child screams for me to wipe their bottom while I’m just getting started in the shower.

Me: “You’re going to need to try by yourself. Mommy is in the shower!”

Child: “Ok, for how long? I’ll wait!”

Me: “A long time! Mommy is very dirty.”

So, I took my sweet ole time, hoping that they would chicken and do it themselves, and it worked….. Sort of…..

(10 minutes later) “Never mind, Mommy! I did it!”

This sounds like victory!

(30 minutes later) I walk into the bathroom and realize that there is no toilet paper in there. And, then I remember there wasn’t toilet paper in there, earlier, either. I mean, I meant to change it….

Me: “Um, so….I just remembered that I forgot to replenish the toilet paper in the bathroom. What did you wipe your bottom with?”

Child: “Oh, I found some paper!” (cheerfully)

Me: “Alriigghht….what kind of paper? Where is it?”

Child:”I don’t know. But, I did it!” (bounces off to go play)

Any bets on how long it takes me to find shitty paper (literally) in my house? This would be a perfect time to use that stupid grinning poop emoji…



2 thoughts on “Sheriff of the Butt Patrol

  1. Imaginary toilet paper goes right along with the imaginary hand washing. Hands aren’t wet, I dried em. Towels not wet. I used a different one. Where is it? I don’t know. Wash them again? That would be the end of the world wouldn’t it? It’s too much to deal with before coffee.

    Liked by 1 person

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