Sheriff of the Butt Patrol

Sheriff of the Butt Patrol


A friend of mine sent me this meme to me today, so of course I had to share. Also, it is pretty spot on for the type of week I’m having. You know when you’re a kid and your parents say something like, “If you want to complain, I’ll give you something to complain about!”???

Well, I’m pretty sure karma got me good for complaining about having “one of THOSE Mondays” on my last post, cause Tuesday pretty much kicked me in the butt for that choice.

Speaking of butt’s, how long is too long to wipe your child’s butt? (asking for a friend)

I’ll just be frank and tell you that both of my children sing a little ditty whenever they need me to wipe their asses.

“Mommy, I went poop. Can you wipe my butt.” (lyrics).

FYI-They were very creative and made up their own tune. They BOTH sing this song, and if we’re honest, it pretty much drives me to drink. My revenge will be teaching my grandchildren that song in the future…

Most of my bathroom conversations involve me speaking to myself:

“Who does this for you at school?”

“Oh, no one. Ok, so you CAN do it.”

“Why won’t you do it then?”

“Can, you please just try?”

“You’re getting too damn big for Mommy to wipe your bottom.”

“I’m getting serious, it’s time to wipe your own fucking ass little bottom.”

Fast forward to yesterday when an anonymous child screams for me to wipe their bottom while I’m just getting started in the shower.

Me: “You’re going to need to try by yourself. Mommy is in the shower!”

Child: “Ok, for how long? I’ll wait!”

Me: “A long time! Mommy is very dirty.”

So, I took my sweet ole time, hoping that they would chicken and do it themselves, and it worked….. Sort of…..

(10 minutes later) “Never mind, Mommy! I did it!”

This sounds like victory!

(30 minutes later) I walk into the bathroom and realize that there is no toilet paper in there. And, then I remember there wasn’t toilet paper in there, earlier, either. I mean, I meant to change it….

Me: “Um, so….I just remembered that I forgot to replenish the toilet paper in the bathroom. What did you wipe your bottom with?”

Child: “Oh, I found some paper!” (cheerfully)

Me: “Alriigghht….what kind of paper? Where is it?”

Child:”I don’t know. But, I did it!” (bounces off to go play)

Any bets on how long it takes me to find shitty paper (literally) in my house? This would be a perfect time to use that stupid grinning poop emoji…



Apparently, I’m going to live FOREVER!

Apparently, I’m going to live FOREVER!


Image found here.

I’m having one of THOSE Mondays! The kind of Monday’s when you spill coffee on yourself on the way to work and then can’t log into your computer, kind of Monday.

Wine, yet?

While struggling to focus, I decided to have a “lunch break” at my desk. I began doing some light reading and came across this little gem.

For those of you who want the cliff notes:

  1. Woman is 116 years old in article, born in 1899 (she passed away in April 2017 at 117 yrs old).
  2. She provides tips for how she has lived so long.
    1. She eats two eggs a day.
    2. She has remained single since her divorce when she was in her late 30’s.

Alright, do you people even know me? Do you know that I’m like an old man/woman inside and I eat practically the same thing each and every day?

Guess what I eat for breakfast Two soft-boiled eggs!! Guess who got divorced at 35?

Ok, so let’s pretend I don’t get hit by a car and/or have some other fatal accident and I live to 117. That is the year 2095.


I can’t even imagine it. Do I even want to live this long?  I’m not sure. But, it makes me think about the year 1987….

I was in the 4th grade in a gifted class and our project was to create a shoe box diorama of the year 2000. I clearly remember this memory where I was sitting in the hallway with my friends listening to the song “I wear my sunglasses at night.” We thought that we would all be living on the moon or some other planet at that time. I believed we would be zipping around in Jetson like cars with robots for friends, er cleaning people.

So, 2095…. Will we be living on the moon or another planet? I guess only time will tell. In the meantime I’ve got the song, “I wear sunglasses at night,” trapped in my brain!





Saturday Quickie

Saturday Quickie

Guys, yesterday I took an Allegra-D with a large cup of coffee and I felt Crrraaaaazzzzyy. I mean, I actually got worried about myself for a solid 5 minutes, crazy. *Note to self- look up side effects and read directions clearly on next allergy meds I take.

Anydoodle, I had a meeting at another campus in the morning, so I didn’t get to my office until noon and at that point, I was at full-throttle-allergy-meds-wired. You can imagine, that when I drove by what I thought was a police car, that I second guessed myself when I thought I saw “beer patrol” on the side of the vehicle.

Buuuuut, then I had to drive to another campus for another meeting about 2 hours later, and though I was still on an Allegra-d high, I FOR SURE thought I saw “beer patrol” when I drove by this vehicle again.

On my way back to the office, I drove by same vehicle, but this time I stopped and pulled over. Folks, I was not hallucinating. That was “beer patrol” painted on the side of an old cop car.

What I want to know is how can I become the Sheriff of beer patrol?

Happy St. Patty’s, my friends!!

Mermaids and Water Faeries

Mermaids and Water Faeries

Found via Microsoft Word Online Pictures (Bing Image Search)

Jamie has been obsessed with Mermaids since she was a tiny tot. I don’t blame her really, I mean they are fascinating in their own right. Lately, she has been leaving a cup in the bath with a spoon and has instructed me not to touch it. I asked her why, and although she wouldn’t give me the details, she informed me it was related to growing a mermaid tail.

So, I guess my 7 year old is trying to grow a mermaid tail? At what point do I dump the stagnant water and refill it? And will I get the right ingredients in there?? I mean, this is the stuff in parenthood that isn’t in the Dr. Spock books, amiright?

Anywho, I digress. The other day, I was going through an old jump drive and I found an old YA novel I was writing. If you know me well, you know I’m obsessed with YA dystopian novels. You know- the Hunger Games type books. I originally thought I would write something dystopian with this piece, but sort of left it when I found myself going in circles. There is so much dystopian out there and I don’t want to mimic what’s already out there. Plus, writing is sort of the time you do want to reinvent the wheel, versus writing what’s already out there.

So hear me out – what does the mermaid growing tail concoction and this old dusty YA piece I started ages ago have in common?

I’m going to throw in, well not quite mermaids, but some water fairy lore into this little writing. I’m actually pretty excited about this because it has given me a creative direction that I haven’t felt in a while. Also, have you looked up water monster/fairy mythology? I mean, it’s mostly creepy and not all sunshine and rainbows like the mermaids of Disney. I was surprised to find that Merfolk traditionally had the reputation for summoning ships and sinking them, creating storms, and drowning those they lured to the water.

WARNING – Be prepared to hear more about water monsters….and…..maybe some little bits of the novel I’m writing, in the near future….

Also, this isn’t the first time I’ve brought up scary mermaids. Some of my oldest followers will remember that one time at the fair! Bahahaha!


This post is brought to you by the word “Uncomfortable”

This post is brought to you by the word “Uncomfortable”

The last few years have been very uncomfortable for me. On one hand, I can clearly see that I have had some pretty big life changes in the last 5 years. Understandably, life changes are uncomfortable and scary.

However, that’s not what I really mean. There is much more to my discomfort, things that only adulting can bring to life. Good ole, adulting….*rolls eyes

Today, my wise 7 year old daughter said, “Mom, mistakes are proof that you were trying.”

Um, ok Jedi Master.

It’s funny the things you think about as you get closer to forty, I mean thirty. I realize I have been very complacent in life. When I was kid, I never really had a bucket list. I was fortunate to have done a great deal of travel before I was 18, and I have never been an adventurer. My list was simple:

1. Get married

2. Be a mom

3. Buy a house

4. Go to Spain

5. Go to Australia

6. Write a book and get it published

1-3: check

4-6: work in progress

I kind of laugh about these, because they are all attainable goals, and yet it’s not like I have accomplished them all or even succeeded at the ones I have accomplished. More importantly, they are all pretty safe.

Recently, I have had to rethink some of these goals. Don’t get me wrong- 4 through 6 remain, I just need to add to it. I mean, what was my actual life plan here? Career? Life Path? I didn’t have one. So, here I am trying to make one, and it is (you guessed it!) UNCOMFORTABLE.

I have also been thinking about these two jobs (in the past) that I didn’t apply to, that I was definitely educated enough and professionally capable of doing. The only difference between me and the candidates who got them was that they took a risk that I was afraid to take.

I didn’t take the risk because they were high paying jobs and I didn’t believe I was good enough for these positions. I was afraid to fail.


Anywho, the reason I tell you this is because last summer I did end up applying for a high paying (ok, higher than what I make now- by $25k) and I didn’t get it, BUT I made it to the final two interview. It was a BIG DEAL for me!! I mean, someone else got it, but I was good enough to get to final interviews. Why have I not been reaching higher?? Also, who else gets excited about *not* getting a job?? Ha!

So, lately I am reaching higher. And it is very uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable because it includes taking risks- something, I have been avoiding for most of my life. However, life is all about perceptions. So, I’m on a quest to change my perceptions:

Out: “I’m afraid to take risks and fail!”

In: “It’s ok to make mistakes! At least I tried! Go for it!”

Thank you, Jedi Master, for reminding me that it is ok to make mistakes. xoxo

Let’s just shut down and disinfect. Who’s with me??

Let’s just shut down and disinfect. Who’s with me??

Gif found here

Yesterday, I woke up with a scratchy throat and chalked it up to allergies. However, by 3 pm, I was feeling awful and actually left work a little early to go home and rest. People, I couldn’t eat any of the foods (which is not normal for me). Silver lining: lost a pound? *fingers crossed

THEN, then I went to sleep at 7:00 pm!

7:00 PM!!!!!

I literally woke up at 5:30 am and had no idea where I was or what time it is. How does this even happen? Thank goodness my children were with their dad and I had the ability to do this without leaving my children unattended.

Anywho, my house has been a cycle of illness since New Year’s Eve and I.AM.OVER.IT.

Can we just cancel everything for a week and disinfect the whole state? And, I’m 100% serious about this. I’m doing all the stuff: essential oils, vitamin c, elderberry, allergy meds, Sudafed, washing hands, not touching open areas of my face….and still….the germs are everywhere. <cue jaws theme song> How is that for a scary movie?

But, let’s get back to me falling asleep at 7:00 PM. Doesn’t that sound amazing? And, can I do this everyday?? Let’s just say my fitbit was very impressed with my 11 hours of sleep.

Why is it, that when you become an adult, sleep is such a precious little gift? Every time my kids complain about taking naps or rest time at school, I let them know that there will be a day that they beg and wish for a nap. Actually, I need to add to my list of to-do’s to make a coffee table book on adults napping in various glorious locations. GENIUS! Who want’s to be my photographer on that? I’ll split you 50/50 on the book royalties.

You’re Welcome!


Stranded on an island AND………Go!

Stranded on an island AND………Go!

Listen, I know I don’t think like “other people” do, but I was recently doing this thing where I was asked a cliché question and I went into over thinking mode. No surprise, there, I’m sure. However, I know that I’m not the only enigma in this world and there has got to be AT LEAST one other person, probably thousands who do the same thing, so why not blog about it?? I mean, everyone else is posting their life on the innerwebs.

Anywho, the question was “If you were stranded on an Island what 5 things would you bring with you?”

Ok, I get it. This question is stupid for many reasons, first of which it assumes that you have a choice to crash-land in a plane/boat AND survive it with 5 essential items of your choosing. Regardless, I did seriously consider this question and to be honest, my first thought was that in theory, and in best-case-scenario (think Swiss Family Robinson Family scenario), this actually sounds amazing. I mean no job, no bills, will definitely lose weight, and no responsibilities……sounds kinda nice, if you ask me….Calgon, take me away!

NOW, most people will probably want practical things. Things like food, water, blankets, sunscreen, bug spray, matches, radio, weapons of some sort…..but, I’m not like most people. And yes, I did consider some of those things. Then I thought about whether or not I am going to be on an island where other people have already inhabited or been stranded there before. This is a VERY important point, guys, because in that case I may not need some of those practical items that could be left over from the stranded person before me.  I don’t want to bring something that is already available on my make-believe island. Also, is this an island in the Caribbean? We always assume islands are tropical, but there are islands off Canada and Iceland that are cold and it snows there. In which case, I need to rethink my practical items and swap out gloves for bug spray, etc.

Regardless, whether I make it to a tropical or cold island it doesn’t change one thing: I’m a first world girl with first world problems. When I eventually get rescued and there are cameras on me, and I’m coming off the plane to my family, will I have wild gray hairs sticking out of my head? I’ma gonna need to know how long I will be stranded for. I mean, how many boxes of hair dye am I going to need? If it’s a couple of months, 1 box may do and then I can have practical stuff for my other 4 items. Or, is it a year and maybe I will have 3 boxes and 2 bottles of root cover up, instead?

I think we need to re-frame this question and ask, “What 5 first-world items would you want with you if you were stranded on an island?”

Suzie: 3 boxes of hair dye and 2 root cover up spray bottles

You: ?? (FYI-cell phones are not acceptable, because there is no wi-fi on the islands, DUH!)


PS- I don’t care how bored I am on my island, still not swimming with the sting rays….