You’ll never believe this, but after a somewhat dramatic declaration almost exactly two years ago, I have done the unthinkable.
I bought skinny jeans.
Let us take a moment of silence as we contemplate this.
I really don’t know what got into me. It was weird. I had left over money on a gift card, I need jeans, there were no other kinds but skinny ones. I tried them on and I actually sort of thought they made me look skinny. Next thing I know there are beads of sweat running down my forehead (probably from the effort it took to peel them off my mommy butt), and then my clammy hands were passing them over to the cashier.
It was a very surreal moment.
How the hell did this happen?
For years I have been pretty adamant that skinny jeans only look good on babies, toddlers, and Rhiannon. All I can think to explain this sudden change is that after losing 58 pounds in 6 months I have a false sense of skinny.
Now before you start high fiving me and giving me fist pumps for the weight loss, you should know it’s not all “real.” Remember that some of it was a nine pound baby, a giant placenta, and some bodily fluids. But the other 40 pounds was definitely a lot of work. Since I like to eat enough for three babies when I’m pregnant I basically starved off the rest of the weight.
Did you know you can totally survive off coffee, coke zero, and gum? Lies- I totally nibbled on 1/32 of a sandwich today!
But seriously, I have 10 more to go to be good, 15 more to be happy. 20 more and I’ll be delirious. I mean literally delirious. I’m pretty sure I’ve started hallucinating- hence the smidge of thought I may actually be able to pull off the skinny jeans.
My poor metabolism is sputtering and wheezing in resistance, but I WILL BE SKINNY AGAIN, DAMMIT!
Anyone want to be my hallucination buddy for the duration of my return to drunkorexia?
The rules are:
1) drinks lots of caffeine
2) eat nothing
3) substitute alcohol instead of food
4) if you must eat, do it in the middle of the night when you’re drunk, especially at Krispy Kreme- those calories don’t count
PS- and I shall name this the “College Girl Diet.”
PPS- fitting name, no? Make sure you don’t exercise on this diet. No energy for it, plus you’re drunk and you could get injured.
PPPS- all lies. I tried the diet for approximately 13 minutes before I inhaled Jamie’s Mac & Cheese when she turned her head. I also ate all of her Halloween candy. What?! She’s only two…