I got a full 1.5 hour sprint to the mall on Sunday on the pretense I needed to get Austin’s baptismal outfit and some invitations. Can I help it if I pass the Spanx aisle on the way? So, I literally screech to a halt as I consider I could use a few Spanx with pee-holes. Spanx in the summer are not cool in humid Florida if you know what I mean…
First of all and for the record, the Spanx section in Dillard’s at my mall is hella big. There are literally thousands of Spanx. It was a little overwhelming but nothing I couldn’t handle except for the fact that Sara Blakely does not clearly label her package with which Spanx have the pee-hole. Because I’m smart and super classy I was all like “pee-hole” isn’t appropriate labeling so Sara must have put a code word for it on the package, right?
The magical question, though, is what is the appropriate phrase for “pee-hole?”
You don’t know, do you?
Ok, me either. I was sure it was because I’m exhausted and didn’t have enough caffeine in me, but even now I can’t think of anything better..,
Yeah…see…pee-hole is the best description, right?!
Alright, so as I contemplate this a lady finally comes to help me.
Lady: “Can I help you find something?”
Me: “Yes, my girlfriends tell me there are Spanx with, you know, pee-holes.” (I’m giggling)
Lady (doesn’t crack a smile): “Over here I have some in the packages. What kind do you want?”
Me: “Whoa! Not these butt enhancing ones. I’ve got plenty of mommy butt.” (giggles)
Lady (doesn’t crack a smile): “Well, you’ll want these high waisted ones, then.”
Me: “Yes! Those are perfect! And, I can’t believe they have pee-holes! Those suckers are hard to pull off, right?!” (giggles)
Lady (obviously has no sense if humor): “Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Me: “Nope. Just needed Spanx with pee-holes. Thanks.”
Seriously. The lady needs to relax. She sells torture panties with urination stations. Or maybe she was double spankin it with no pee-holes and in that case I totally understand why she couldn’t crack a smile. Been there, done that!
Anywho, I was so excited about my purchase I started talking them up to my mom. I’m all, “Mom, my pre-pregnancy jeans totally fit with these, blah, blah, blah, save the world, blah, blah, puppies for everyone, blah, blah…” when I open the package and find this tucked inside:
At least Sara Blakely has a sense of humor about all this! Who else runs a race in just Spanx and nothing else?! Seems like it would be a little breezy with the pee-hole, though, right?