I haven’t felt much like blogging lately and it is completely related to my last IVF cycle.
Last year on May 21 I began my first IVF cycle. I was so full of hope and faith. After all, this was the closest I had ever been to getting pregnant.
Exactly one year ago today, I was in Vegas, at the Sahara Casino, when I felt the urge to use the restroom and realized that I was not pregnant.
That day, I felt like I flushed my embryo’s and my hope down the toilet of a Vegas Casino.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m pregnant and that I should be happy for what I have. I’m telling you that I am very happy and very grateful for this gift I have been given. And yet, I still feel anger and hurt over all the infertility and treatments I have endured.
Sometimes people look at me and get all excited and ask me about the baby and make things seem like everything was so easy. Like I just decided to get pregnant one day. But the truth is that it wasn’t easy and sometimes I have to really fight myself from going into my deep dark saga of the obstacles Matt and I had to jump over to get to where we are now.
Just today, a lady asked me if this was my first and blah blah blah….You know, the normal conversation you have with people. Then she asks me if we plan on having more. What I said was, “We hope to, definitely.” What I was thinking was, “Well, it depends on if we have the money and time for another cycle and if my body can handle another IVF.”
I now also have a built in flinch mechanism, I realize. Like when people say insensitive things about getting or being pregnant I have an internal flinch that no one can see. That way I don’t have to explain myself or go through my infertility yet again with another person.
Plain and simple, infertility sucks! My heart goes out to all of you who are still trying to get your gift. It’s just not fair. If I had a magic genie wish I would wish that all of the worthy people in the world who are dying to love and hold their own baby in their arms should have them. Also, world peace and enough fuzzy puppies and kittens to go around to all families. How’s that for a Miss America speech?