Mother’s Day has been particularly hard for me the past couple of years. In fact, I admit that I’ve left church crying during the mother’s blessing. It’s a day I’ve coveted in many ways- a day of jealousy and sadness.
This year it was different. Obviously, I’m pregnant now so it was more exciting than sad. But, this year it was interesting because we spent it in Illinois. That morning we went to a beautiful church in Peoria. When they did the Mother’s blessing I was kind of not sure if I should stand for it (since I haven’t actually had a child, yet), but Matt encouraged me to stand knowing how hard this moment has been for me in previous years. I felt a combination of happiness, excitement, and dreaminess with a hint of sadness.
Yes, sadness-again. But, it was there because I realized that during my plight with Infertility I really believed there was a chance I may never have had the chance to become a mother. And, it made me think of all of those who still fight that feeling every day. The fear of never being a mother is overwhelming, terrifying, and HUGE.
I remember often thinking and saying that if I had a crystal ball and I knew for sure 100% that I would be a mother one day, I could have handled the whole Infertility thing so much better. I mean, I am patient (sort of). If it was a matter of waiting a little longer than others then I would have graciously accepted my fate. Except, that the whole thing with Infertility is that there is no crystal ball and no one there to tell you it will happen 100%. Or at least, no one you will believe. Because the truth is that not all of us get to be mothers.
I will never take for granted the gift of motherhood I’ve been granted. I’m praying all my Infertile friends will have be granted the same gift very, very soon.