I’ve had a lot of time to think about what the worst parts of the last couple years have been for me. You would think that I would stop thinking about the infertility now that I’m pregnant, but I don’t. It’s still a part of me, no matter what my current situation. Being pregnant doesn’t take away the process it took to get here and I will never forget the trials and tribulations it took me to get to this point in my life. I think it makes me appreciate all I have even more than I already do.
Which brings me back to the worst part.
You might be thinking it’s the fear of not getting pregnant that almost drove me to insanity, but believe it or not it wasn’t. That was a big part of the situation, but not the crux of the problem.
The real issue is the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on. A horrific roller coaster that seems to virtually have no end to it. Even now.
Every single cycle started with fresh hope. Hope that this could be the cycle that I finally start a family with Matt. A new chance; a new beginning that ended with 2 weeks (or more, in my case) of the highly anticipated extra pink line on the pee stick. For me, these cycles ended in despair and depression.
The logical part of me knew that the longer I tried, the better my chances were of getting pregnant. But, the vulnerable and scared me felt terrified for every extra second it took us to get pregnant.
By the time the fertility treatments started I was renewed with fresh hope. After all, this would be the closest I would ever get to being pregnant, right? This was our best chance of our entire time trying to reach victory. As you can imagine, this made the anticipation of the extra pink line all the more important. Failure was even more desolate.
In order to cope with the pain of all the disappointment I stopped anticipating that extra pink line. By the time I got to my second IVF, I can’t even say that I had the same renewed hope that I had in my other cycles. I was so tired of the up and downs of that roller coaster I was on, so I gave up in a way. All I ever knew was the blank line of the hpt. I almost looked forward to the end of that two week wait and the missing line. I just wanted to move on with my life.
As you can imagine, it was complete shock for me to actually see that extra pink line one day. I had imagined all the different ways I would react when the time would come. You know what? I did none of those things. Instead I stared at it in shock, shook the stick around, tapped on the counter, held up to the light, shook it around some more and just stared. I stared and stared at it for weeks. I stared at it until it turned a gross yellow color and had to be thrown away. But, I still took a picture of it and stared at it some more. I still stare at it.
Sometimes, I get angry at myself for not enjoying this pregnancy a little more. I know that every one who’s pregnant has some fear in them about staying pregnant, but in many ways I feel like my fear is more than the norm. It’s not like I can just get pregnant again should something terrible happen.
There’s also the selfish me that wants that family I’ve always hoped for. The three to four kids running around and causing chaos in my house just seems like a dream at this point. I get scared that this is my one and only pregnancy. I would be devastated to not give my child a sibling. The fact is that getting pregnant again is just not a given for me and Matt, though.
All this said, I am truly so happy to have this chance at being a mother. I wasn’t sure it would ever happen to me. I am in awe of the science and technology that has given me this chance. I am so thankful.
Every single day I imagine what it will be like to go through labor and hold my baby. I know I will cry harder than I ever have before. I cry now just thinking about that day. Want to know something kind of funny? I’m not even scared of labor. I know I won’t need drugs. After all, that pain will be nothing compared to the pain I endured the past couple of years just be here, now.