I read various different infertility blogs. They have all helped me in one way or another deal with the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on the last couple of years. They either provide information, support, or hope. These are all things I’m grateful for.
I’ve had some family members tell me I don’t seem as “excited” to be pregnant as they thought I would be. I don’t know….maybe they expect me to be more excited than the normal person since it took me so much longer and I had to have ivf to get there…
Anyway, my point is that there is a blog I read that I think left the perfect description of what I’m feeling right now. I know some of you on here will relate to this (plus, I love how she compares it to “The Catcher in the Rye”):
“I have read The Catcher In The Rye at least a dozen times at different points in my life, always taking away something new and different from its pages. A couple of months ago I was reading it in class during silent reading and I came across the above passage and I had to laugh out loud. It’s like J.D. Salinger stepped into the mind of an infertile and captured the essence of the journey. The worrying NEVER stops. It’s always there, the pink elephant in the room. You wait around to start a new cycle and you worry that you won’t produce enough eggs. You wait around for your ultrasounds and worry that you aren’t growing enough follicles, that they aren’t growing fast enough. Then you worry that they won’t retrieve enough, and once retrieved that they won’t fertilize. Then you worry that once they put them back, the embabies won’t snuggle in for the long haul. Then you incessantly check the toilet paper for weeks until beta praying that any sign of pink is simply implantation spotting and not AF coming to pay you an unwelcome visit. Then you pee on sticks like they are going out of style, obsessing over shades of pink or blue lines and whether they are dark enough for that point in your cycle. Then you worry about how your first beta is and if it’s an appropriate number, and next about your beta numbers and whether they will double. Then you worry about the wait to ultrasound. You obsess about your symptoms and if you feel crappy enough to really be pregnant. And you worry about whether there will be heartbeat(s) on the screen when you finally do make it to ultrasound. And the worrying doesn’t end there with a heartbeat, you worry every single minute of every single day until you finally get that holy grail that you have been struggling for for so long and you are holding a baby, your baby in your arms. “