Infertility never goes away…even when you are pregnant

Infertility never goes away…even when you are pregnant

I read various different infertility blogs. They have all helped me in one way or another deal with the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on the last couple of years. They either provide information, support, or hope. These are all things I’m grateful for.

I’ve had some family members tell me I don’t seem as “excited” to be pregnant as they thought I would be. I don’t know….maybe they expect me to be more excited than the normal person since it took me so much longer and I had to have ivf to get there…

Anyway, my point is that there is a blog I read that I think left the perfect description of what I’m feeling right now. I know some of you on here will relate to this (plus, I love how she compares it to “The Catcher in the Rye”):

“I have read The Catcher In The Rye at least a dozen times at different points in my life, always taking away something new and different from its pages. A couple of months ago I was reading it in class during silent reading and I came across the above passage and I had to laugh out loud. It’s like J.D. Salinger stepped into the mind of an infertile and captured the essence of the journey. The worrying NEVER stops. It’s always there, the pink elephant in the room. You wait around to start a new cycle and you worry that you won’t produce enough eggs. You wait around for your ultrasounds and worry that you aren’t growing enough follicles, that they aren’t growing fast enough. Then you worry that they won’t retrieve enough, and once retrieved that they won’t fertilize. Then you worry that once they put them back, the embabies won’t snuggle in for the long haul. Then you incessantly check the toilet paper for weeks until beta praying that any sign of pink is simply implantation spotting and not AF coming to pay you an unwelcome visit. Then you pee on sticks like they are going out of style, obsessing over shades of pink or blue lines and whether they are dark enough for that point in your cycle. Then you worry about how your first beta is and if it’s an appropriate number, and next about your beta numbers and whether they will double. Then you worry about the wait to ultrasound. You obsess about your symptoms and if you feel crappy enough to really be pregnant. And you worry about whether there will be heartbeat(s) on the screen when you finally do make it to ultrasound. And the worrying doesn’t end there with a heartbeat, you worry every single minute of every single day until you finally get that holy grail that you have been struggling for for so long and you are holding a baby, your baby in your arms. “

Suzie Homemaker Dont’s

Suzie Homemaker Dont’s

Suzie Homemaker, DON’T, give your kids Suzie Homemaker dolls. They are scary looking and just plain WRONG.

Neither of these (2) homemaker dolls will do any house work for you, although there were several home appliances available for purchase separately; stove, beauty parlor chair, iron, vacuum etc., which maybe why they needed two versions – a working woman and a trophy wife – of course today she could be called “Suzy Desperate Housewives”.

The Trophy Wife- notice the perfectly quaffed bob and cankles…

This little Suzie is quite the working woman. She comes with a beauty salon chair and skinnier legs. (that bitch! j/k)

Ok, but seriously. These were super popular in 1964.

Confirmed!!!

Confirmed!!!

I AM PREGNANT!!!!
OMG!!! I have to keep pinching myself, here! All day, I have been on pins and needles waiting for this call to come. I had dreams about it. I had a racing heart all day. I’ve felt sick to my stomach. I just kept imagining that I would get the call that said I was just imagining things or having an hysterical pregnancy or something.
But no. That’s not what the nurse said.
She said, “Congratulations! You’re Pregnant!”
Can you believe it?
My beta came back at 392. Which I was told was the “perfect.” number! Yippee!!
Ranges for singleton at 17 dpo: 17-429
Ranges for multiples at 17 dpo : 200-1,800
Looks I’m in the range for both. We’ll find out on Feb. 11 when we have our first ultrasound!
I love all my students, I love all my students, I love all my students…

I love all my students, I love all my students, I love all my students…

Emphasis on ALL in the title. Because honestly, I love most of my students. Like 99.5% of them.

Actually, since I’m saying this out loud let’s just speak openly here and admit that there are two that annoy me but I still like them. Ok, but that’s not the problem…

The problem is that there is one I absolutely cannot stand and I’m feeling a whole lot of guilty for it. *gasp* Ok, I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I need to vent it. I have one student who I feel like shaking constantly. Literally. And since I teach Early Childhood Education (which includes a shaken baby syndrome lesson) this makes me feel extremely bad. Thankfully she is not a baby and I’ve only day-dreamed about shaking her and haven’t actually done it, yet. To gie you an idea we are three days into the semester and I’ve already written her a referral because she blatantly took a call on her cell phone in the middle of my class. I never write referrals by the way. This is the second one I’ve written this year and the previous one was to her, too (cell phone again).

But, seriously, I just went to that Conference in Orlando and heard the most inspirational teachers in the nation speak about how caring, loving, and respecting your students is number one and how academics is second, blah, blah, blah, and here I am silently day dreaming about cussing out one of my 16 year old students with an attitude, shaking her, and sending her out of my class indefinitely.

Not good. Someone talk me down from this ledge. I keep telling myself that she is just young and immature or whatever, but it’s not working. I’ve literally had to get the other teacher I co-teach with to handle her on some occasions because I am inches from losing it!! How terrible is that? What if this were your child and the teacher felt that way??

I think I need a Teen Intervention course…or a Teen Attitude Management class…or therapy or something.

On a lighter note, last week when I got my nails done there was the cutest little 4 year old who got a pedicure with her mom. I mean, she was super-duper adorable with long curly caramel colored hair and green eyes and olive skin. The nail tech asks her how old she is and she says:

“I’m 4. And after I’m 4 I’ll be 5. After 5 I’ll be 6. And then I’ll turn 7. And after I’m 7 I’ll be 8 and then after 8 I’ll be 9. When I turn 9 I’ll be 10 after that and then I get a cell phone. Right, Mommy?”

Mom: “Yes, honey.”

Little Girl: “Mommy, how old were you when you got your first cell phone?”

Mom: “Um, I was 24.”

LOL! The start of all my problems as a teacher now begins at age 10, apparently. Damn cell phones!!!

oopsie!

oopsie!

***WARNING- This post is GROSS, GROSS, GROSS!!***

I forgot to mention one other symptom.

Yes, I forget to tell you about the vurps. Or the “pukey burps” as I like to call them. I’ve been so blessed to have these since last Wednesday.

Uh, hum. I think that one is self explanatory so I will refrain from explaining. But, let’s just say that this is something new for me and so rather than complain I’m going to thank God that I’m pregnant and that I even have the vurps.

On a side note, there was a teacher today at my department meeting (who does not know I am pregnant, btw) talking about when she was pregnant and had morning sickness. She was all like, “Yeah, when I was teaching I would just throw up in my mouth and sometimes I would just swallow it.”

What?!?!?!?!

There is a trash can by my desk, people! Holding vomit in my mouth and trying to swallow it would just make me puke more. Is this for real? Who does that???

*vurp*

It’s like Groundhog’s Day around here

It’s like Groundhog’s Day around here

So every day I have been testing with two sticks and every day it’s positive. And yet, every day it’s like the first day I got my BFP! Seriously, I’m still shocked that I’m pregnant. It just hasn’t registered in my brain, yet.

Thankfully, I’m going to get my blood draw done tomorrow and I’m hoping that gives me some piece of my mind. Although, I have to admit that I’m kind of terrified all at the same time. What if my numbers aren’t good? It would be devastating to get pregnant after over two years for it to just not “stick.” It really would.

In other news, I definitely have symptoms at this point.

  1. My boobs REALLY hurt right now. ALOT. Not like it did from the progesterone. Way worse. It hurts to sleep on my stomach now.
  2. My boobs are GINORMOUS. When I took a shower yesterday morning I looked in the mirror and they seriously look like I got a boob job. This part I’m loving…
  3. I am lightheaded, sometimes dizzy, and have sort of like a constant headache. It’s difficult to describe. But, sometimes going on with my head that makes me feel nauseous.
  4. I feel sick if I don’t eat more frequently. (I’m terrified at just the idea of throwing up, so naturally I’m eating more) 🙂
  5. I am really tired. I mean, I’ve always been known to take naps after school, but I’m at a whole other level right now. Like I go home take a 4 hour nap instead of a 2 hour nap and then go back to sleep a couple hours later. Yes. At school yesterday all I wanted to do was put my head down and sleep. I’m just SO sleepy these days….

All that aside, I just wanted to say that I know that there are a few out there reading this blog that hate me right now for being pregnant. I totally understand. I would hate me right now, too. So don’t feel bad. I’ve been there and trust me, I have not forgotten. I will blog one day about the injustice of infertility and how it makes you feel things you thought you would never feel. Those are emotions that I will never forget.

Back from Orlando

Back from Orlando

I took 6 teenage girls to Orlando this past weekend for a Conference for the FFEA (Future Educators of America) club. It was way better than I imagined, although I thought I was going to vomit the whole week just thinking about it.

I am so thankful to have students that are so well-behaved and respect me. I really didn’t have any problems at all. I even got compliments on how well behaved they were. I was really proud of them for being so mature.

The first night I let them explore the amazing hotel we were in. It had 2 arcades and a huge pool with a water slide and a water fall. They even had a pet Parrot. The girls were entertained all evening, but I gave them a 10 pm curfew anyhow as we had to get up early. I did duct tape their door though- ok, I was nervous that first night. It was still in tact when I woke up in the morning, THANK GOD. Actually, I woke up every hour of the night- it’s nerve wracking to take care of other people’s teenagers over night in another city.

After our conference, I took the girls to Downtown Disney on Saturday night. I forbade them from talking to strangers and reminded them that boys are strangers, also. 🙂

Let’s just say that by the time we got home yesterday afternoon I was EXHAUSTED. I had to take a 3 hour nap to recover. Overall though, I was very pleased with our representation. I was disappointed that we didn’t win the Chapter Display competition though, the girls really deserved to win! 😦

My favorite part of the whole weekend was on Saturday when we were at lunch. I got to hear all kinds of juicy rumors floating around about some of the teachers at school. There were some good ones…LOL!