The other day at the Doctor’s office, my most favorite nurse, Gail says, “Suzanne, so this IVF is going to be different, right?”
Me: “Oh, yeah. Cause I’m going to do that Lupron thing this time.”
Gail: “No, silly. Well yes, but no. What I meant is that this time you’re going to get pregnant.”
I just stared at her. It doesn’t even register in my brain. Getting pregnant is more just like a figment of my imagination. It’s not something that can actually happen to me, it seems.
Now, I am just a couple of days from starting my injections for our next round of IVF and I feel nothing. I mean, I know it’s there. It’s not like I don’t think about it at all, but it is much different from the first IVF this past June.
Maybe it’s because last time I thought the IVF was the answer to all my prayers and that I would be very pregnant right now. Also, I think it’s because this time around I know what to expect.
Expectations: Daily feeling of nauseousness, big bloated belly, giant boobs (that part was awesome), weight gain, general feeling of blah-ness, and my least favorite- busted veins and bruises all over my body.
Notice, I didn’t add pregnant.
It’s just not my expectation.
The sad part is that I can’t even imagine being pregnant. What I can imagine is only one line on my pee stick, spotting before I get to take my HCG test at the Doc’s office, cramping, and basically going through the motions. Oh, and a lot of weepiness and crying.
I don’t expect to get pregnant.
There, I said it. Isn’t this terrible?? I know I should be “relaxed” and “positive” and all that bullshit everyone’s been feeding me, but instead I just feel terrified of another heartbreak.
I don’t feel optimistic. I don’t feel excited. I feel nothing. And honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.