I feel nothing

I feel nothing

The other day at the Doctor’s office, my most favorite nurse, Gail says, “Suzanne, so this IVF is going to be different, right?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. Cause I’m going to do that Lupron thing this time.”

Gail: “No, silly. Well yes, but no. What I meant is that this time you’re going to get pregnant.”

I just stared at her. It doesn’t even register in my brain. Getting pregnant is more just like a figment of my imagination. It’s not something that can actually happen to me, it seems.

Now, I am just a couple of days from starting my injections for our next round of IVF and I feel nothing. I mean, I know it’s there. It’s not like I don’t think about it at all, but it is much different from the first IVF this past June.

Maybe it’s because last time I thought the IVF was the answer to all my prayers and that I would be very pregnant right now. Also, I think it’s because this time around I know what to expect.

Expectations: Daily feeling of nauseousness, big bloated belly, giant boobs (that part was awesome), weight gain, general feeling of blah-ness, and my least favorite- busted veins and bruises all over my body.

Notice, I didn’t add pregnant.

It’s just not my expectation.

The sad part is that I can’t even imagine being pregnant. What I can imagine is only one line on my pee stick, spotting before I get to take my HCG test at the Doc’s office, cramping, and basically going through the motions. Oh, and a lot of weepiness and crying.

I don’t expect to get pregnant.

There, I said it. Isn’t this terrible?? I know I should be “relaxed” and “positive” and all that bullshit everyone’s been feeding me, but instead I just feel terrified of another heartbreak.

I don’t feel optimistic. I don’t feel excited. I feel nothing. And honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

4 thoughts on “I feel nothing

  1. No one can tell you how to feel. You don’t have to be excited or optimistic. You only have to feel what is right for you to feel. Sometimes when we feel like shit we just have to sit in it a while. Those crappy feelings will pass. However, I am excited for you! I think you are so brave. You’re an inspiration to me. I feel optimistic for you, whether you like it or not. Haha! I think that our experiences, different yet similar in some ways, are happening to us for a reason. We don’t understand the reason right now, and it may take a very long time. BUT, some day we’ll look back and we’ll “get it.” I cannot empathize with what you’re going through completely, but I know how pain feels from loss. I am here for you. {{{hugs}}}

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  2. Rebecca,Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support! This is the dark side of me that most people don’t see at work (well, except Carol). Maybe we can meet up during the break and have some coffee (or beer/wine) and talk. Are you going to be in town?

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  3. Suzanne,Oh, I understand dark sides. I don’t feel like I even know myself anymore because I’m so full of anger. I hate it. I will be out of town until January 1st! I’m going to NY for Xmas, and Paul is going with me. I am sooooooo excited. However, we certainly will need to get together after the break for some sort of beverage. I will stop by when we get back to school and we can make plans to get together! In the meantime, I will be stalking your blog. I love reading your writing. I wish you a Very Merry Christmas full of love and joy!! Talk to you soon…

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