Guilty

Guilty

*** m/c mentioned***

***edited to protect friend’s privacy***

The part that is so hard for me when it comes to my new found baby jealousy is when bad things happen.

Earlier this year I found out that one of my newly married friends was pregnant. I was INSANELY jealous. I came home and tried to list in my head all the reasons why it was not fair that she was pregnant and I wasn’t. Terrible! I know. I really hate this part of myself, right now. I cried later that night for even thinking such horrible thoughts.

For the last 3 months I have purposely not asked about the pregnancy or looked down there for fear I might see her growing baby bump. So, you can imagine my surprise when I found out she had had a miscarriage. I felt worse than worse. Like the scum of the Earth. It’s hard to describe, but I almost felt like it was my fault this happened to her. If only I weren’t such a green-eyed monster and thought such negative thoughts at the beginning. *sigh*

I know I get jealous, but I never truly wish anything bad to happen to people. Sometimes, I feel like this whole infertility thing has turned me into such a bad person- an insensitive, bitchy, mean person.

That is truly the worst part of infertility (besides the part where I don’t have a baby). I don’t even recognize myself, or some of the emotions I feel, these days…

2 thoughts on “Guilty

  1. Hugs, it’s hard to be happy for others when you want something so badly that should come easily.You in no way had an impact on whether someone mc’d or not, so try not to lay that guilt trip on yourself. Plain and simple, bad things happen to those that it shouldn’t.My baby would have turned one this week and it’s been a hard few days. We adopted four children for Christmas from the Children’s Home Society this year. I get the list of their needs and wants and was kind of slapped upside the head. One of our children was sixteen and pregnant and asking for a play pen for her new baby. Guess when her little boy is due……..yep, this week. Sigh, I had to let it go and we decided to spend some money on her new baby too because God knows he was going to have a rough start to life. I couldn’t help but ask why her and not us or anyone one of the other ladies I know that are mature in stable relationship and would do anything for a child. Unfortunately, no one spoke back………..Hang in there, I keep ++++ thoughts and prayers that you will soon be posting your BFP.

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