*** m/c mentioned***
***edited to protect friend’s privacy***
The part that is so hard for me when it comes to my new found baby jealousy is when bad things happen.
Earlier this year I found out that one of my newly married friends was pregnant. I was INSANELY jealous. I came home and tried to list in my head all the reasons why it was not fair that she was pregnant and I wasn’t. Terrible! I know. I really hate this part of myself, right now. I cried later that night for even thinking such horrible thoughts.
For the last 3 months I have purposely not asked about the pregnancy or looked down there for fear I might see her growing baby bump. So, you can imagine my surprise when I found out she had had a miscarriage. I felt worse than worse. Like the scum of the Earth. It’s hard to describe, but I almost felt like it was my fault this happened to her. If only I weren’t such a green-eyed monster and thought such negative thoughts at the beginning. *sigh*
I know I get jealous, but I never truly wish anything bad to happen to people. Sometimes, I feel like this whole infertility thing has turned me into such a bad person- an insensitive, bitchy, mean person.
That is truly the worst part of infertility (besides the part where I don’t have a baby). I don’t even recognize myself, or some of the emotions I feel, these days…